How civilization began... a long, long, time ago...

[Chuckiechan]

World History 101

Division of the human family into two distinct political groups began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains in the summer and would go to the beach and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.

Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as "the Conservative movement." Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as 'girleymen.' Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes and generally anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.

[Smidley]

Thanks for allowing me to think a little lesser of you.

[mazdarx7-64]

I thought is was funny

[Smidley]

Yeah, it was humorous, but I really think that he believes it.

If not, please correct me.

[Warthog]

It was creative.

Thanks for allowing me to think a little lesser of you.

Who cares if he believes it or not? Too many people in this world concern themselves with the affairs of others far too often. Believe me, your life will be much less stressful if you don't care.

Warthog

[Smidley]

You're probably right.

[Hungrycookpot]

Someone's gotta care, or else things will never change.

[Chuckiechan]

Smidley...

Can't you read an obvious internet "pass - around" with getting all "pissy" as to who the author is or whether he believes it or not?

Quit crapping my thread. If you don't like it (or me for that matter), be polite and go away. Or at least add some of your sparkeling wit to the conversation!

[The Real Bingo]

Brilliant!

[usslindstrom]

Laughed the whole way through. Thanks for the smile CC.

[Whir]

Heh. If anything I'm a liberal and I thought it was funny. Guess some people are just hard to please.

So long, and thanks for the beer!

[M_Six]

But it left out the part about how Conservatives never evolved beyond the Neanderthal stage.

[Chuckiechan]

M_Six...

Yea, it's hard to train them to drink from a glass rather than straight from the bottle!

Belch...

[M_Six]

And I understand they didn't want to be homo sapiens because they thought that name was a clear gay agenda tactic pushed on them by the Liberals.

[M_Six]

Just as an aside, my brother, a rampant Conservative, always drinks from the bottle. If you ask him if he wants a glass, he points to the bottle and says, "It comes in a glass already." He's a wise man.